i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
