i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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