You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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