did you get engaged???
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
