I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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