My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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