she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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