your parents love me but you hate me
I must be too annoying 4 u.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
