The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
