Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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