4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
