ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
