If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
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we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
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I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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