I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
