I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
