if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
