your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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