I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
3 2 1 whiskey
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
