I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize