my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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