dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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