Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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