If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
