guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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