did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
