So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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