Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
