i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
