I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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