Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
