I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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