Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
even my farts smell like vagina
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
