remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
