so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
