You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
