it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
