fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
