You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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