I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
