her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
