She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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