For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
