Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
