Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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