Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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