I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
