At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Even the bartender felt bad for me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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