He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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