Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
