so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
