I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
do herpes really smell.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
