SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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