Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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