my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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