You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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