dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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