remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
