I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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