literally had 100 drinks last night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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