So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
