talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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